This is an ongoing thing between me and my mother, but it also affects my youngest brother. Me and my brother suffer from low self esteem and depression, from growing up in a chaotic and often violent household. More so for him than me; the violence inflicted upon him came directly from his father, who saw fit to do as he pleased with his son.
My issues stem more from our mother, who both physically and emotionally abused us. Thankfully the former wasn't so often; I had to adapt and make myself smaller to avoid her anger, but the beatings never worked on my brother. That mental manipulation, though...that burned deep. I once described her hold on me as a mental leash to a former friend, who mentioned how their grandmother kept them on a physical leash as a child. Apparently my leash was far more daunting and cause for concern.
But to get to the point at hand: neither me nor my brother are good at asking for help, which my mother sees as us being “prideful”. Now, I'm no stranger to pride, but I've never equated it to “being too good to ask for help”. No, I consider pride to be something I'm actually proud of, like writing and other areas I excel at. Things I'm actually confident about.
But asking for help? I struggle with that because I have low self esteem and don't believe that anyone would be willing to help me if I did ask. I feel all alone in the world, and that I have to rely on myself because I don't have a support system. I imagine it's the same for my brother, who doesn't have friends (he has one, but that person isn't a good influence) and has basically been on his own since childhood. I'm not sure if he's had friends aside from that one kid and some people online. So it's not a matter of being “too proud”.
Supposedly there are people in my life more than happy to help me, like my father and my aunt, and I've asked for help from both of them at some point. But it's really fucking hard to get over that first step. That sense of not being worthy, of not being loved, of doubting myself, or not even knowing it was an option.
So it really pisses me off when it's assumed that I think I'm too good for something. The problem is I don't think I'm good enough! And I'm sick of hearing this nonsense. It's enough to make me want to hang up when she goes on and on about it. I know it's something I should address at some point, and sooner rather than later, cause I will explode otherwise.
Getting it out of my system helps, even if it's only something I or internet strangers will see.
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